vadergator

if you ever owned a jeep, then you know full well how maddening sometimes the issues can be. here's a little joke i came up with to help explain the depths one can succumb to. if you ever have had to walk home or get a tow, you can relate. when i couldn't take it anymore, one day i angrily sent Jesus an e-mail wanting to know why He wasn't helping me? he replied back stating , " you have not, because you ask not. talk to my dad". i felt really annoyed by this brush off but, thought what the hell. so i e-mailed God Almighty himself. i said, " where have you been? why won't You help me?" God e-mailed me back and said, " For 3 days & 3 nights, if you study my Scriptures and be kind to others, on the 4th day, I'll resurrect your jeep. But, you gotta cut your hair too". this really annoyed me. what kind of conditions was this for help with my jeep. so, for 3 days & nights, i studied the Scriptures like never before. i quit arguing with my wife. i stopped yelling at my kids. i even didn't beat the dogs when they dug holes in my yard that i tripped in. i felt better than i ever have in my life. on the 4th day, i went to drive my jeep. it wasn't fixed. i was furious. i immediately e-mailed God Almighty wanting to know what was his problem? God promptly replied back saying, " you studied the Scriptures like never before. I've never seen you more kind in all of your life. but, a deal is a deal. you didn't cut your hair ". now i was nuts. i furiously sent God another e-mail pronto stating that i felt like He was acting like a hypocrite, and we needed to discuss this matter more deeply. i was feeling pretty smug about myself while i waited for God to e-mail me back. i guess i must have made God pretty mad. because He didn't e-mail me back like all the times before. oh no. God decided to drop in on me personally. it was terrifying. i didn't know what was happening. the whole house started shaking violently. there was loud claps of thunder and vicious lightning everywhere. i cowered in a fetal position praying for God to have mercy on me. about that time, the room grew silent & still. except for the faintest sounds of what sounded like someone playing guitars without amplifiers. and of course people hummimg like in a church choir. i had to fumble around on the floor & put on my welding goggles, because there was this damn blinding light emitting from the center of my room. that's when i heard God speak to me audibly. it was terrifying all over again. He sounded like many roaring oceans and the loudest damn trumpets i've ever heard. He said that He was going to strike me down with a plague if i did not justify to Him why i had used His Name in Vain. scared beyond measure, i gathered my thoughts and excuses. i apologized for hurting His feelings. i said that i didn't realize He was so sensitive. then, i went on to explain that over the course of my intense 3 days of Scriptural studying, i noticed a few things that made me feel God was being double-minded, and henceforth, a hypocrite. i reminded God of how the apostle Paul said i was supposed to be like Jesus. that when i looked into the mirror, i was supposed to see Jesus staring back at me. plus, how some of the most famous patriarch's all had long hair. like Abraham, Moses, Aaron, Joshua, Sampson, King David & his son Epsolom, and even Jesus too. so i rationalized that if they all could have long hair, so should i. then feeling a little more confident, i tried a reverse psychology guilt trip on God. i said that His word states that He is no respecter of people, and that we are all equal and precious in his sight. the room shook violently again with thunder & lightning and terrifying trumpets. God said, " you rebellious little fool." "yes, it's true that all of them including my Son, had long hair. but, that there was special conditions as to why He had allowed them to have long hair while commanding every other man to keep their hair cut short. and, that it was no one else's business as to why that was. God went on to say that i had satisfied His judgement & that He forgave me for my act of blasphemy with the hypocrite statement. i sensed God was departing the house to return to Heaven. i cried out to Him saying, " wait. wait. are you really just going to leave me like this with that lame " You work in mysterious ways crap?" God paused and said," I only have your best interests in my heart." "like I said earlier though, a deal is a deal. I hope your feet are not too sensitive." now i was really insanely mad at God over his refusal to help me. i replied, that while i can appreciate His sense of humor, i was not letting him off without an answer to my original question. God thundered at me, " Who are you to challenge the Almighty God of the Universe & Creation itself? i said that i was just a dog trying to get a bone from his Master. God laughed at me & said that i really did learn some Scriptural truths. therefore, He was going to overlook my arrogance & cockiness. As God tried to leave again, i stopped Him with another question. i said, i thought that if we seeked, we would find. if we asked, we would receive. that if we knocked, He would open the door. God said, now you're starting to bug Me like Abraham did about Sodom & Gemorrah. I am trying to help you. just let it go." i said that after what i had been through the last 3 days, that i deserved an answer. I heard God let out a sigh and then He said, " if equal hair treatment is what you really want, then equal hair treatment is what you shall have" as the room violently shook again. God goes to leave again. i yelled out, you still haven't explained my question. God said to me, "Very well, my hardheaded faithful servant. Hear the mystery explained that you seek. As I said before, they all had long hair, that is true. I appointed them to wear long hair so that all other men would take notice of them at all times. And because of their long hair; unfortunately for you ; they were " seen walking " everywhere they went. Enjoy your walk today". then He was gone. merry x-mas everyone. i know it was kind of long but, so is " The Night Before X=mas " story. so are our repairs usually. lol

ZJFreak

Paragraph's please, I wont read the debacle above

zodiac

Didn't read all that but the first thing to come to mind was,

jomps

keep your day job op

2dbatcv

I'm not understanding this. Explanation? I know you worked on this so I'm trying to understand what I just read.

odgreen

Dafuq I just read?

XJ=mistress

X2

jnicewan

So, did your Jeep get fixed or not? Did he wreck your house with all the lightning and violent shaking? Are your ears still ringing from all the noise. Do you normally keep welding goggles on the floor for times like these? See, you left us with having too many questions without answers.

One more thing, will you share God's email address with us?

dave1123

Go work on your jeep and leave us alone!

coloradojeepxjowner

Oh God!!!

dnuccio

x385738928379472872863823874

Bustedback

Who knew Hemmingway was still alive and owns a Jeep?

Griffin13

I read that entire thing and have no idea what it is about...

storm101

Cut your hair to get a job for jeep repairs, that route obviously won't work out for you.

timberwolf

I started reading it, then about 3 or 4 lines in I scrolled down and my eyes just kinda glazed over.
It just became a blur of words after that...